Beautifully Insane

 

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Hey Gang!

 

Is it me or did it get a little dark in this blog for a while? It has been a bit of a wild ride this past year but I must admit that there is a change in the wind. A change that I hope is for the better.

Well, it is 2014 and I can not help but reflect on the past decade. I have grown immensely as a person but it was not without learning a few lessons along the way. These are a few of the lessons I have learned that I hope you may be able to integrate into your life so that you will not make the same terrible decisions as me.

 

1. DO NOT EAT THE SHELL

It was a few years ago when I was not as well off financially as I am now. I was living with my mother and our money situation was not the best, so treats were very much a luxury. You can imagine how ecstatic I was when my mother surprised me with a large bag of ranch flavored sunflower seeds. I substituted those for all of my meals. I ate the entire bag of those delicious little seeds in about four days. It was terrific and broke the monotony of Ramen noodles and rice. It was terrific right up until the point when I had not used the restroom for three days. (I will substitute “poop” with “bunny”. It just classes up this story a bit more, I believe.) So, a few days go by and I had yet to bunny. It was distressing. I could feel a hardening in my stomach and I actually could not fully stand upright because of the pain.

I sat down to watch television when my stomach let out a god awful roar and I knew I had to bunny. I got up and ran to the restroom. What then happened was easily top ten of the most painful moments of my life. Passing that bunny was a combination of giving birth to a demon mixed with watching the television show “Ghost Hunters’. It was a terrible experience. As I sweat and cried, I wondered what had happened. I then realized what it was: the seeds. I had eaten the seeds with the shell on and they did not dissolve. So, my bunny was basically like shrapnel coming through my intestines. The next few days were filled with shrapnel being passed and fears of some sort of intestinal damage. I thought, “This would easily be the most embarrassing way to die. I will end up on that show “1000 ways to die” and that will be my legacy.” Luckily, this was not the case; however, I still cringe and pucker every time I see a bag of unshelled sunflower seeds.

 

2. SOME JOKES ARE ON YOU

I truly enjoyed playing jokes on people. I loved to prank individuals all of the time, specifically those who were very….deserving. Some sort of karmic equality by distress. I pulled on of my favorite pranks when I was about 18 years old and it was on my aunt. She is a goofy woman. A bit high strung and also a bit strange. She is very into being at home and spatially oriented. He property is her property. That being said, she is also hilarious. She is one of those people that are accidentally hilarious. She would go on tirades about one thing or another. Blame the president for problems with her water. Blame her allergies on the people next door’s cooking. Yell the “F” word every time she forgets something. Forgetting something small. Like, forgetting to get the channel changer a few seconds earlier when she had gotten up. Just hilarious. I must admit, as a youngster, I may or may not have enjoyed to exacerbate her insane rants.

This all came to a head when I had a girlfriend around that time and she found out. She teased me for hours about it. She was very explicit. This was beyond ribbing and I was very embarrassed. So, a prank came to mind a few days later.

My best friends and I were out and about. We would drive around and smoke cigars and usually find some trouble to get into. This was one of those times. Nate would often unroll condoms and place them on random cars’ antennae. This was hilarious for some juvenile reason. This night I asked him for the last condom. I then went in to Walmart and bought a travel size bottom of unscented lotion. I think you can see the dots connecting. We drove up to her house and stopped at her drive way. I filled the condom to almost the brim with thick white lotion, rolled the window down and flung it onto the cement. It splattered and white goo went everywhere. We took off and I went home soon after. A few days later I came downstairs and sat down with a bowl of cereal. My mother was crocheting and we made idle chat but then she said, “Oh my gosh, Aunt … called and you know how she has been having trouble with her neighbors? Well, they must have had sex and thrown a condom at her house or something. She found a big ol’ nasty condom filled with sperm the other day.” I burst into laughter.

“I think that is gross,” my mother said.

I then divulged the entire story. She looked at me for a moment with her mouth agape. I thought her reaction would be anger but it turned into a chuckle which turned into a laugh. I asked how she cleaned it up and my mother said, “A rake. It made the condom rip and it went all over.”

We both died laughing. A decade later and I still hear her ranting and complaining about the worst neighbors she has ever had and the nasty surprise they left her.

 

3. PARTNERS IN CRIME IN TIME

As you know, I have been best friends with two individuals for about 14 years. In that time we have done some of the dumbest stuff that I can think about. Ben and I threw Molotov cocktails on the back roads at night. Lit pumpkins on fire and ran from the farmers that chased us away. Nate and I have gotten into more drunken adventures than I can recall and been in more strange circumstances than I care to think about. The three of us created what should be an Olympic sport which we entitled “Asphalt Skiing”. One is able to do this by having a truck or car with a spoiler. Then have a person drive around a parking lot while another hangs on to the back and skis on the asphalt. In case you were wondering, yes I did film this. It was hilarious. However, the friction caused the treads on their shoes to melt away. For months we told people about this sport. We were truly proud of it. Most thought we were insane. Maybe we were but does insane recognize insane?

These crazy things that we did seem like a lifetime ago. In a way, they are. We are all doing so much more than we dreamed. We are a bit tamer now and those things were done by three young men who were trying to figure the world. Now, I look back on it all. I look at when we broke into a skate park and then had to hide from the police patrolling the area. It was crazy. All of this seems crazy but I was never alone in it. Fast forward a decade and we are still best friends. I look at it all and I see we were partners in crime but somewhere down the randomness of time we became brothers and it has been a pleasure.

 

 

 

So, three small life lessons that I have found helpful. More than stories. They are applicable, I believe. The stupidity of past acts that come back on us. The bonding over a joke and karma. The stupidity of the past that becomes the fond memories of the present. These are just a snapshot of the crazy things that have happened in my life but there is so much more. It builds a foundation on which I build my life and I realize I am one lucky person. I have a lot of fond memories and I am excited for the future as I try and live in the moment more and more.

The thing I know more than anything is that I am weird gentleman. I love doing weird things, having a weird sense of humor and meeting weird people.

Weird may not recognize weird but it sure does attract it and I am okay with that.

Happy New Year, my weird and beautiful friends!

 

-Chris

IDQT….In Space??

Hey Gang!

I am coming to you off of my spiffy new computer. My absence was due to my previous computer deciding I was no longer a suitable owner and kamikaze-ing itself onto my bedroom floor.

Here is the thing…I smile as I write this because I can go from writing a blog that is incredibly personal to something that is essential the opposite. That whole truth saying I have is a double edged sword. It is great most of the time but then there is something like this blog where it is genuinely embarrassing to talk about and it came from a dream I had about a month ago. This dream was incredibly vivid and it sticks with me even now. Hold on to your butts, let’s take a journey through Chris’ Psyche!

I am in a space suit by myself in a rocket ship. The ship is completely vertical and stationary on earth. It is one of those old school rockets from 50s b-movies. The one circular window and all but the thing is that it is just me in a chair and only one button in front of me. I hear the count down and when they finally count down to 1 and I hit the large red button in front of me and the rocket rumbles beneath me and then sends me into space. I look as the world goes far beneath me and I go weightless.

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Folks, I must tell you that this is the most vivid part. I am weightless and floating around this capsule; all the while I am laughing like a school girl. I am bouncing from wall to wall. Pushing with my hands off the ceiling and then landing on my feet on the floor only to kick off back to the ceiling and repeat. It was the most fun I had had and it was so real! I can’t stress this enough.

Then there is a rumble and the spaceship starts tumbling through space. I am bouncing all around and freaking out because my helmet is made of glass. In case you were wondering, my outfit is something from the atomic age as well. Glass helmet and silver jumpsuit with big, grey boots. I looked amazing! Back to the action!

I am tumbling still! Then BOOM and I am floating gently to the bottom of the stationary ship. I kick off the ground and go up to the door and open it to my new location: the moon. That’s right folks, I was on the moon. I remember looking at the earth and how it was half covered by darkness and looking around me, seeing grey sand and massive craters. So, I do what any other rational human being would do, I began randomly jumping across the moon’s surface.

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I bounce higher and higher as I travel further away from my ship. The weightlessness was incredible and I remember the elation felt! It was excellent. Then I looked around and I realized I was lost…on the moon. I began freaking out and started jumping backwards but I couldn’t find my tracks but I did find something. It was a colony.

This is where it got weird. I walked from the desert moon to a place that looked like it was out of a cartoon. The “grass” was just flat ground and it had those fake little white flowers like off of bugs bunny cartoons. There were palm trees but they, once again, looked cartoonish. The buildings were as cartoony  well and looked to be made out of giant balloons. When I looked up there was clear blue skies and a big, yellow sun that was smiling down at me. The sun, I kid you not, winked at me. Moon-me didn’t think it was strange at all. The only thing Moon-me wanted to do was find a place to go pee. So, I went to a fire station and was calling out for someone because I needed to go pee. I walked up to a man taking a shower (AHEM! Okaay, I get there is a freudian thing here but leave it along) and I asked him where the bathroom was. He pointed to a door and I went pee in this storage shed basically.

 

When I was done I went outside and walked through this huge garage port door. There were clothes lines and I had to duck underneath them as I walked to this garden where women and children were planting food. I was thinking that I never wanted to go home! This was great! I was thinking that maybe I could have a couple of cartoon kids, settle down in a nice little balloon house with an extremely dull picket fence. Great stuff.

But then….

People started to change into these creatures and started terrorizing the other cartoon people. I ran away. Real fast. These creatures looked somewhat like the ones in the 1980s version of a movie called “The Thing”. Great flick with Kurt Russel, an IDQT must see! Before I knew it these extremely realistic creatures were overtaking this new Eden of mine. I turned and saw the balloon houses on fire and the tentacled creature were growing larger. Then I hear a boom and turn around. The large tree in front of me has turned into a massive creature and is bending down to eat me. Just as his large teeth begin to close around me…I wake up.

I immediately went pee in real life but ever since then I have been kinda disappointed. I mean, It was definitely a horror show at the end but I mean I felt like I was in space. The amount of fun I had while floating weightless and then Superman jumping across the Lunar surface was insurmountable. So, here I am, stuck in this weighted reality but on clear night,s when I look up and see that white, shining bulb in the sky, I think about when I was there. When I went to the moon.

-Chris