So, I was going to write a second part to the Halloween/scary blog post but I have had a thought over the last few days that has stuck with me. It’s about love. I thought at one point that I was in love but now I know that was not it. It couldn’t have been. It was so tumultuous and the way we were together, or should I say the way I was with her, made me just vanilla.
I use the term vanilla here because I can’t use thesaurus.com and find a better word than that. It was just so plain and we would lie together. She was very sedentary and I am not. So, she slept a lot and I would just lay next to her looking at the ceiling. I looked out as the world went by and then I looked at her and couldn’t see that person. The one who made me smile and laugh and care. I could only see this person before me; my own counterweight.
In eastern asia there is this tribe that use elephants to carry their goods they get from place to place and to do most other heavy work. (excuse me coffee is ready) AHHH! So good! Ok, where was I? Yes, the elephants. You see they use them when they are young and what they do is they tie up these elephants to a huge log at night. The elephant tries to get away and it doesn’t because it isn’t strong enough. This proceeds every night. The elephant is now big enough to toss that log a hundred feet away yet it doesn’t. In it’s mind, it is still that huge immovable log that was their when it was a baby. So, it is chained only by will not by a physical nature.
I had to cut my log before it chained my will. We broke up. I am extremely happy and am back to painting and writing and trying my hand at stop-motion animation. So, being productive. The thing is, lately, I have felt like love is everywhere…and it isn’t a good thing per se.
I wish I could get a straight answer on what romantic love is (if anyone comments saying “love means never having to say you’re sorry” I may have a stroke). It’s such a scary emotion! There are basic facial expressions recognized worldwide and they correspond to our basic emotions. Anger and Fear are easily recognizable. They are simple emotions, though powerful.
Love is complex and usurps all other mental capacities. It causes the sane to go insane and makes people think irrationally. I see people who tell each other they love each other but I am somewhat of a people watcher and I notice that people hate being alone. We hold on to the feeling that we are sharing space. I only say this from an outsiders perspective. It seems true to me though. Whenever I was with my ex and I thought I loved her, I remember always feeling as if I was half of a whole and she was the other half but I realize now that that can’t be right.
To be half of a whole, you have to get rid of some of yourself. I feel whole as a person and I want someone to come with me and be my partner. Not the other half of me that is missing but the whole complementing my whole. I just think that people misconstrue their fear of being alone or being on the outside.
I sound like a cynic! The fact is, I am a hopeless romantic. I still believe in the movie version of love. Not the sappy romantic comedies but the one’s that are real. Where it is tough and it’s a process but at the end of the day you look up at the stars and then turn to someone next to you and think “in this moment, I would rather be nowhere else with no one else.”
Content. I watched “Dark Shadows” by Tim Burton (Not the tv series) and if you look at it, it’s a pretty great love story. Specifically that of the witch Angelique. I can’t imagine an unrequited love like that. It was heart-breaking and I found more sympathy for her in that film than anyone. I digress…
So, I have rambled, my catharsis. Let me just bring the threads together. I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart, ok kidding. I do believe that love is there and it is scary. Do I think that I will find it? Hard to tell. My idea of love is skewed by bad relationships and unclear wants. There are a lot of people out there and we are all looking for that one thing that keeps us believing that we are not alone. I hope that isn’t love. Maybe it is something more. Maybe it is something we can’t even put into words and I look forward to that day! Until then, I will sit back and enjoy the ride and the passengers that hop on every once in a while.
PS- I was looking for a good title for this and came across this quote: You come to find love , not by finding the perfect person , but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly
PPS- Here are my top 5 movies-that-make-me-a-believer
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
2. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (Look deeper into the meaning of this film!)
4. Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist
5. Harold and Maude
(These are a select few that i watch often but there are so many more!)