Hello friends!

I apologize for my absence but it was for good reason! I took the GRE with excellent results might I add (Thank You Kaplan). So, I studied all last week and really focused on the test, which paid off. I was surprised I did well as I was frazzled because I forgot to eat breakfast before taking the four hour test. We had to lock everything we had on us into a locker and when I returned with my watch and no key from the lock I realized I had locked the key in the locker. These were bad things to happen when I was already on the verge of pulling my hair out from stress. Then Quantitative Reasoning sections of the test made me reevaluate my existence. I read the first question and looked around me at the other people taking different tests and I thought “This isn’t a real question, right? Like, the answer doesn’t exist!” At the end though, I did better than I had hoped and now I can get back to my first love, writing!

A bit of back story.

When i was younger we moved a lot. My mother hated staying one spot for a large amount of time so we would move constantly to avoid life fatigue. This means that utilities would have to be transferred but that takes time. Cable would usually take the longest to get hooked up, so we would always watch movies (VHS, it was a while back). The one movie that became ritual to watch at the new house was Animal House. I love that movie and my mother does as well. So, we would camp out on the living room floor, eat air pop popcorn and watch the shenanigans on screen that made me want to go to college as a kid.

Years later, i was admitted to college and my mother thought it would be cool of me to keep a journal of my stay in college (prior to the blog explosion). I thought it was a great idea as well and that is when she gave me the book pictured above. She doesn’t know but at the time I was given this, I had been on a string of bad dates. So, one night after a severely unfortunate incident on a date I wrote it down in this journal as a reminder and ever since I have done just that. What is contained in this book is what I call my Dating Constitution. It is the guideline to which I abide on a date. I always keep them in mind so that i may learn from them.

What follows are select constitutional ideologies. I know some of them are funny but they all aren’t. I made a promise when I started this blog to be honest and I have to say that right now, I want to break it but I won’t. There is one aspect that is paramount in the journal but which still makes me cringe at the thought by saying “Why?” So, here are some embarrassing, sentimental and lamenting types of constitutional precedents that I hold true. I hope you enjoy and if you have any constitutional bills of your own, please tell!

#1- DO NOT DATE GIRLS THAT ARE CLOSE TO THEIR SISTERS

- This may seem dramatic but it is the inciting event. I was 19 and dating a woman who was 18. She was very outgoing and a lot of fun. I was in my “try to be cool at all times” phase so I listened to the hardcore music and even talked in a different way, just playing it cool. So, due to this, I don’t think she ever took me seriously, I mean this was in the early 00′s; I would wear baggy pants (not gangsta style but they definitely had a bit of room in them) and I was somehow claiming to be an anarchist but it just wasn’t me….I even died my hair green! Anyway, as I said, she wasn’t serious, I was. So, I meet her younger sister, 14 may I add, who was really cool and they were very close due to rough family life. As the weeks went on, I slowly noticed that her younger sister was texting me a lot and she was texting me less. Then, we were hanging out in a Hardees parking lot (oh the charm of small towns) when she decides to break up. I was not shocked really but I wanted to know why. It turned out that her little sister want to go out with me and there was a big dance at her school and she wanted me to go. Since they were so close she didn’t want to upset her sister by going out with me so she dumped me and tried to get me to go out with her sister. I believe I blossomed into maturity right then because I immediately exclaimed, “No way, she is 14. Do you know what would happen to me in jail!” She tried to rationalize with me but I ignored her. I took her home and promptly deleted her number. She called back once in a while but I never answered. I was extremely weirded out and confused that she thought the only thing keeping me from dating her RECENTLY turned age 14 sister was her. So, no more.

-AMENDMENT: Same for friends (same thing happened with these two girls that were friends. I’m not even cool!)

#7- PLACE THE WATER ON YOUR RIGHT SIDE

- I gesticulate a lot. It’s kind of embarrassing but yes, in fact, I am a “hand talker”. This rule comes from the night I was on a group date and I was severely attracted to this woman. We were deep in flirtatious conversation when the hostess walked up and said in a high squeak “HI EVERYONE, WHAT CAN I GET YOU TODAY!” It caused me to jolt and, water being on my LEFT side, my left arm flicked hard launching my large glass of water all over the lower body of our very pretty waitress. I was mortified, as was the woman I was talking to. It killed the conversation and our table got the worst service I had ever seen. I tried to explain myself but it made no difference. Never talked to the woman again and I never went into that restaurant again.

#11 MAKE SURE YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU ARE ON A DATE

- This one is making me smile as I say it. I was under the impression that I had been dating this girl for a while. We went to movies, talked, went to dinner. It was great. We laughed and had an awesome vibe together. Then, I went in for the kiss, finally, and she recoiled extremely fast. Much like a mongoose. I think we were both shocked by what had just happened. I was shocked because I had never been rejected of a kiss in a manner that made me feel like the Elephant Man and she told me this soon after, which explains her response:

“I can’t do that. I thought we were just friends, ya know? Like you are so much fun but you know I have a boyfriend right?”

This conversation went on and my face was burning with embarrassment. I wanted to jump out of my window just to avoid how awkward it was. I also believed she was letting me down easy. Giving excuses, etc. So,afterward, she called and texted and, due to my utter humiliation, I ignored her (see a pattern here?). Until, I went to see a movie with my friends “Mike” and “Morgan”. I look down in front of me and she is turned around in her seat giving me a small wave and a half smile; her boyfriend’s arm wrapped around her shoulders. At least she wasn’t lying, I guess. I remember it vividly because I remember his enormous, triumphant, purple Mohawk. Mike and Morgan teased me about that for months. I still wondered if they are together sometimes.

#22 NEVER SAY NO

- This one is a bit harder to talk about. We all have the one that got away but this is the one that I almost had that I let go away. I write this sincerely but maybe vaguely as who knows who reads this. Maybe SHE would read this. As I said, at some point I wonder when this honesty thing will get me in trouble. Here is the reason for this:

I met her years ago. She was dating a man who was treating her like crap. We worked together and we were both very young. Kindred spirits I think sums up everything here. So, whenever I was at work I would do as much as possible to cheer her up on those days when her boyfriend was less than courteous to her. I wasn’t trying to steal her away, I just wanted to be in her presence. I am not the same person I was back then. I used to be almost bored in life. i am sure there is a better word for it but I was just bored. My position was just not fitting at the time but her….She was the only person that, to this day, was comfortable with being her. She had that lust for life that i wanted so badly and we just talked a lot. About anything. We would debate and joke around. We had a contest for at least a month about who could find the dirtiest joke, she would always win. So, eventually they break up and I am extremely happy by this but…I do nothing. We talk for months later, I even help her move. She was great and one day, she says she is going to Paris for New Years and wanted me to go with her and her friend. I look back now and want to slap myself for saying what I did…”No”. I gave some big diatribe about how I just couldn’t. Then she went and when she came back she had met the person she is with to this day. I hear things are going well and they moved in together. So, I wonder now, did I miss something or would I have stood in the way of someone else’s something? That’s why now, I never say no.

Well, that was long but thanks for sticking with me! I still write in that little book of do’s and don’ts, adding amendments and such but, after writing this, I wonder if it is a good thing or a bad thing that these exist? Sometime you have to close your eyes and leap over the gap instead of measuring the distance. Sometimes.

-Chris

PS- Now that I told you some inner-layer stuff, do you guys have any constitutional dating ideologies?